Thursday, September 20, 2012

Why we are being tested again and again?

We got another test in our life this week. We were expecting a baby sister for Anna. Like us Anna
was very excited too. But this Monday we found out that baby passed away. :( I was 19 weeks pregnant. We don't know what happened. We did Amniocentesis test to verify baby have JEB or not. We were really worried if baby will have JEB. I could't imagine another baby suffering like Anna. And when the result came back, she didn't have the problem. All her chromosome tests also were good. We were so happy that we are going to get a healthy baby whom Anna can grow with and play with. Anna was even saving her stuffs for her baby sister. The next appt after the amino test was after 4 weeks with that doctor. When we go on Monday we didn't expect anything bad will happen. But when they started doing sonogram itself we found something is wrong with the baby. Normally she will be playing with her hands or legs or standing up. This time we couldn't see her moving at all. After a few mins they said baby has no heartbeat. We were devastated.  After 4 days of the amino procedure we had an appt with my obgyn and he checked her heartbeat and I could hear her kicking. Doctor was saying baby is very active. I don't know what happened after that. When they weigh her on the day of amino procedure she was 5 oz which is normal and when they weigh her this Tuesday, she was again 5 oz. that means after the procedure, she didn't grow at all. Is it the amino test that took my baby's life.. I still can't believe this happened. All my dreams are shattered. Can't I dream anything. Can't I dream like anything good is going happen. I thought this baby will wipe all our sorrows away. But who knows what is God's plan. But if he has to take away my baby, why he gave her, why he gave us hope and dreams.

When I came back from my appt on Monday, Anna asked for baby's photo. That was my greatest worry, what I will tell to my baby. I told her baby went to Jesus. She looked at me for few seconds and then asked again for photo. I told her again baby went to Jesus. Is it because she understand or what she changed subject. After some time when I picked her up, she looked at my tummy and told "mommy, baby is gone.". I told her don't worry, when Anna get bigger we will get another baby. And on Tuesday, while I was sitting there worried, she came near me and told, "mommy, when Anna get bigger another baby will come. ". After that she hasn't asked me abt baby. Thank God for making my 2 and half year old baby understand this. Otherwise every time she ask me about baby I would have cried.
Since I am almost 20 weeks, I had to go to an abortion specilist's clinic to take baby out. It was 2 day procedure. Today they did the d&e. They took my little girl out. I don't know how my baby looked like... They gave me complete anesthesia, so I didn't know anything. I asked them if I can at least get my baby's foot prints and hand prints. But they said it was hard since the baby was passed away almost 1 week ago... Oh Jesus I don't know what to think or do. How can this happen. I pray to God that no one else should go through what we are going through. I am not even able to just cry it out. Where I am going to keep down all my worries..when I will be able to get through this. For Anna's sake I can try to act like nothing happened. But can I forget this in my lifetime...I am trying to stay positive that God has some good intention.